How to Keep your Marriage Strong .. even after 80 years!

Words of wisdom from a couple married for 80 years.. “let him think he’s the boss”.. her advice.. “I need someone to look after me” . his advice.. “go with the flow.. you can’t plan everything.. somethings just have to happen as they happen”.. their advice. Masha’Allah .. Islamic or what!!!!

MashaAllah. we have so much we can learn by those who implement Islam correctly i their lives.. .a meen


Marriage is a sign of the Existence of Allah

I heard two lectures today on marriage and in listening to them I realised something that I had not seen before.. a connection between two well known facts about marriage in Islam.. one that reminds us of the fact that Shaytaan wants nothing better than to see the break down of marriages and the reason why.

The Prophet (PBUH), said: “Iblees (Satan) has his throne above the water ( at sea) and sends forth his detachments. The closest of them to him (at day’s end) are those who cause the greatest trial. One of them comes back to him and says: ‘I did such and such. Satan replies: “You’ve done nothing.’ Then another comes to him and says: ‘I did not leave him along until I caused division between him and his wife…… So Satan draws him close and says: “Well done!”(Muslim).

Why was the Shaytaan who bought division between husband and wife so congratulated by Iblees? Because Allah SWT has said that of all the acts

The Quran says: in translation “And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts)…” (30:21)

Al Jamuah magazine wrote this about this verse

The arguing back and forth ceased, him starting at the floor, tears rolling down her cheeks. “Why is this happening? She asked herself, too scared to say a word.
It seemed like a nightmare, but she knew it was too much of a reality. She and her husband had just had the worst fight in all of their six years of marriage.
Images of good times kept flooding her mind in those bitter, silent moments. “But, wait!” she thought. Something inside her gave her strength to speak: “Satan is probably really happy right now. He gets the happiest when a husband and wife fight like this.”

She waited a few moments. He remained silent, so she went on. “Why are we fighting in each other? We should both be working together to fight Satan, because he’s our eternal enemy, not each other.” For a miraculous moment, truth came to light, and they both instantly understood their goal-to strive together with all their might to fight their common enemy. About this very fact, the Quran says: “Indeed, Satan is a clear enemy to man” (12:5).

Our Lord and Sustainer, who knows us better than we know ourselves, has made it plain to us exactly who our foe is. Should we not then make Satan our adversary? Knowing who our enemy is makes it easier to oppose him. But who said fighting Satan is easy?
The Prophet (PBUH), said: “Indeed, Satan runs (unnoticed) through the veins of the son of Adam as does his blood” (Bukhari).


Married couples must understand that Satan’s ultimate goal and highest priority is to dissolve marriages and break up families. This best serves his aim of leading individuals and all social institutions into harm’s way. If you doubt it, just look around you no matter where you are. Satan’s plain is simple and evil. The idea is to go after one of the strongest and most safeguarding of human bonds and make it useless. For marriage is the “binding contact” which God describes in the Quran, as meethaqan ghaleedha, ” a most solemn covenant” (4:21), something so essentially firm that breaking it is extraordinarily bad. To do this, Satan uses his top soldiers and rewards the successful with the best he can.

The Prophet (PBUH), said: “Iblees (Satan) has his throne above the water ( at sea) and sends forth his detachments. The closest of them to him (at day’s end) are those who cause the greatest trial. One of them comes back to him and says: ‘I did such and such. Satan replies: “You’ve done nothing.’ Then another comes to him and says: ‘I did not leave him along until I caused division between him and his wife…… So Satan draws him close and says: “Well done!”(Muslim).

My mother tells me this hadeeth should raise hope in all married couples because it confirms to them where the real issues are. It allows them to show more love, ease, and mercy to one another and to save all their fighting capacity for what is truly harmful and a common threat to their sacred love, beautiful home, and earnestly established family. The good news is that Allah is with you. You will have to do the work, but if you strive to get through the hard times with patience and a strong will to defeat Satan together, as a couple, you will do so, by the permission of Allah. As for Satan, it seems the odds are against him. Not only is it two against one, but Allah is your ally-and most assuredly the alliance of God-it is they who are the truly successful (58:22). (Courtesy: Al Jumuah Magazine)

I can think of no other sign that mankind is connected with from Allah other than marriage and when Shaytaan can destroy the marriage, he weakens one of the signs of Allah. .. this is an amazing thought and one every married or want to be married couple MUST think about in their marriage.

The Marriage relationship in Islam .. More signs from Allah

And among His Signs is this that He created for you spouses of your own kind, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy for one another: verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.” (Quran 30:21)

When will our marriages as members of the Ummah of Muhammad SAW be one of the signs that lead others to Islam. SubhanAllah!! Allah bless our marriages, protect them and on the day of reckoning may they not accuse us, but be our door to Jannah ameen!

As we look around us and see the disintegration of the Muslim family unit.. can we not understand the reason why the Ummah itself is in such a mess generally?

The Family Unit in Islam

A brother who treats his wife as if she is his trust from Allah will rarely find her not falling over herself to please him and keep him happy.

Obedience to the husband is not about making his life wonderful .. and her life a drudgery of slavery to him as the non muslim world suggests. It’s about the beautiful reality that Allah SWT has created a relationship like nothing else on earth, where his needs and her needs find their fulfilment.

In the giving of each other their rights and in living out their responsibilities.. wives find their fulfilment and experience the true beauty of their femininity. Husbands find their fulfilment and experience the strength and wonder of their masculinity.

This should be to the world the strongest and most clearest picture of true Islam. The Muslim family is the building block of the Ummah. It is the smallest picture of true Islam, and the way every Muslim should relate to each other.

Within the marriage of two Muslims there should be the most beautiful expression of worship.. and Allah SWT has declared that the husband will lead this worship.. and together with his wife, will be accountable for the way EVERY member of the family lives their lives under the shepherding of the husband/father and the seconded shepherding of her children by the wife/mother. Working in obedience to her husbands desires and wants in relation to the smooth running of the household, even when it goes against her desires.. is what helps this Allah created team work! When she is not obedient and loving to her husband .. the equilibrium is upset.. but if he abuses that obedience on her part.. he is directly accountable to Allah for abusing that trust. I’d rather be the obedient wife any day.

If this beautiful relationship is working .. then the family, the community and the Ummah is blessed.

Marriage exists to perfect half our deen. Therefore if the husband or the wife abuses the role that Allah SWT has given them.. it is their deen that will be the loser.. and therefore their akhira. Muslims are taught to challenge and compete each other in things of deen.. THIS is the why we are in the most intimate of relationships.. to compete, to challenge and to help each other in the perfection of our partners deen as well as our own deen.

And to make this more beautiful.. Allah SWT has created the most intimate of all human relationships. .. so that this becomes like paradise on earth for the couple together. Allah SWT Himself places the love and mercy between them and they become for each other a garment that protects the other and is a refuge and covering for the other partner.

Let’s focus on making our marriages like this.. Places of worship.. where even the intimacy on every level between husband and wife.. is an act of worship and intended for the pleasure of Allah SWT and the eternal good of every member of the family unit.

Home.. where each lives for the other and all live for Allah

In Sura’tul Al Nahl (Sura 16) in the Qur’an, Allah (SWT) says, “And Allah has made for you in your homes an abode.”

I was talking to a good friend today about home, families and the relationship between husband and wife. I mentioned that hanging in my lounge i have a plaque that reads “Home, where each live for the other and all live for God”.

As I have listened to various talks this Ramadhan about the Muslim family I realised afresh how much truth that little plaque says.

Islam has prescribed the most perfect marriage formula.. yet we short change it so often by demanding our rights instead of looking at the rights and the desires/needs of our spouse. Parents don’t spend enough time with their children and children disrespect their parents. The family home for the most part is splintered each one living for themselves.

Yet the Shariah prescribes beautiful rules of relationships between all members of the family and if those rules are upheld. not as something someone is compelled to do but something they want to do the pleasure of Allah and in knowing that this will ensure a wonderful secure Islamic home for all members of the family.

In doing this.. in giving each other their rights and in seeing the family as the basic and most important structure in the Ummah as Our Prophet Sallallahou Alayhi wasallam did with his family then we would see success in our families and strength in our Ummah and the beauty of Islam would shine as signs for those who reflect as He SWT promised.

The Muslims are to each other.. the Best of Companions/Friends

Shaykh Badrud-Deen al-Ghazzee (d.984H)

The Shaykh – rahimahullaah – said,
Know O pious brother – may Allaah make our affairs good – that the manners of companionship and good relationships are of various types, of which I will explain, such as will show the person of intellect the manners of the Believers and the Pious; and come to know that Allaah the Most Perfect, the Most High has made them a mercy and helpers towards each other, which is why the Messenger of Allaah (saws) said, ‘‘The example of the Believers, in their mutual love and mercy is like the example of a body, if one part feels pain, then all of the body suffers in sleeplessness and fever.’’

And he (saws) said, ‘‘The Believer to the Believer is like a solid building, one part supporting the other.’’ The Prophet (saws) also said, ‘‘The souls are arrayed armies, so those who knew each one another before, will be friendly…’’ So if Allaah intends good for His servants, He grants them companionship of the people of the Sunnah, righteousness and adherence to the Religion; and keeps him free from the companionship of the people of innovations. The Prophet (saws) said, “A person is upon the religion of his friend, so let every one of you look to whom he keeps as a friend.’’

About a person, do not ask, but ask about his companion; Since every companion follows his friends.’

From the manners of companionship:

Good manners with the brothers, peers and companions, following the Messenger of Allaah (saws) as he said, when it was said to him, ‘What is the best of what a person is given?’ So he replied, ‘‘Good manners.’’

From the manners of companionship is behaving well regarding the faults that he sees of his companions, since Ibn Maazin said, ‘The Believer seeks excuses for his brothers, whilst the hypocrite seeks out their faults.’ And Hamdoon al-Qassaar said, ‘If one of your brothers commits an error, then seek ninety excuses for him, and if not, then you are the blameworthy one.’

To keep companionship with one whose Religion you trust and who is trustworthy, both inwardly and outwardly. Allaah the – Most High – says, “You will not find anyone who believes in Allaah and the Last Day, making friendship with those who oppose Allaah and His Messenger, even though they were their fathers, sons, brothers or their relatives. For such He has written eemaan (faith) in their hearts, and strengthened them with a spirit (proofs, light and guidance) from Himself. And We will admit them into gardens underneath which rivers flow, to dwell therein forever. Allaah is pleased with them, and they are pleased with Him. They are the Party of Allaah, indeed it is the Party of Allaah that will be successful.’’ [Sooratul-Mujaadilah 58:22]

For the Shaykhs and elders: with respect to service and to carry out their needs. For those of the same peer group and those of the ‘middle rank’: with sincere advice, giving what you have and being prepared to carry out their wishes. For the students and younger ones: by guidance, teaching of manners, carrying out what knowledge demands, guidance to the manners of the Sunnah, rulings concerning the matters of the heart, and to guide them to develop good manners.

From the manners of companionship is overlooking mistakes of the brothers and not reprimanding them. So al-Fudayl Ibn ’Iyaad (d.187H) said, ‘Chivalry is to overlook the mistakes of the brothers.’ Ibnul-A’raabee (d.231H) said, ‘Forgetting the harms caused by the brothers, causes you love of them to persist.’ So it is binding upon the Believer, that he avoids seekers of this world, since they will bring him down to the level of seeking it, and this will distance him from his salvation and it will distance him from remaining alert and being aware of it. Rather, he must strive hard in attaining the companionship of the good and the seekers of the Hereafter. Therefore, Dhun-Noon (d.245H) said to the one whom he advised, ‘Accompany the one whom you will be safe from outwardly, and whom – when you see him – it helps you in doing good and reminds you of your Lord.’

And from them is: not to differ much with the brothers, but continue agreeing with the brothers in those things allowed by knowledge and the Sharee’ah. Aboo ’Uthmaan said, ‘Agreeing with the brothers is better than showing compassion for them.’

That he does not envy the signs of Allaah’s bounty upon them. Rather, he should be happy for that and praise Allaah for it, just as he would praise Allaah if it were seen upon him. Allaah – the Most High – censures the envious one, ‘‘Or do they envy men for what Allaah has given them from His bounty.’’[Sooratun-Nisaa‘ 4:94] The Prophet (saws) said, ‘Do not envy one another.’’

That he has hayaa‘ (modesty and shame) at all times, as he (saws) said, ‘‘Faith (eemaan) has sixty or seventy odd branches, the most excellent of them is witnessing that none has the right to be worshipped besides Allaah, and the lowest branch is removing something harmful from the road, and hayaa‘ is from eemaan.’’ (saws) also said, ‘‘Hayaa‘ is from eemaan, and eemaan is from Paradise. Speaking obscenely is from coarseness and coarseness is from the Fire.’’

To accompany the one who he has a feeling of respect for, so that this prevents from acting contrary to the Sharee’ah. ’Alee (raa) said, ‘‘Enliven your feeling of hayaa‘ (shame), by sitting before those whom you feel shame. Ahmad Ibn Hanbal (d.241H) – rahimahullaah – said, ‘‘I have not been led into calamity except by accompanying those before whom I do not feel shame.’’

To have cheerfulness of the face, kindness of the tongue, largeness of the heart, outspreading the hands, withholding anger, leaving off pride, keeping people’s honor in mind and showing happiness at their companionship and brotherhood.

From good companionship is that he does not accompany except a Scholar, of a person who is mild, intelligent and has knowledge. Dhun-Noon – rahimahullaah – said, ‘Allaah has not disrobed any one of His servants or a robe better than intellect, and has not adorned him with a necklace better than knowledge, nor adorned him with anything better than mildness. And the completeness of that is taqwaa (fear of Allaah).’

Having a clean heart with regards to the brothers and advising them, as Allaah – the Most High – said, “Except he who comes to Allaah with a clean heart.’’ [Sooratush-Shu’araa 26:89]
Saree as-Saqatee (d.257H) – rahimahullaah – said, ‘One of the best manners of righteousness is having a good heart as regards the brothers and to give them sincere advice.’

Since this is from hypocrisy, and he (saws) said, ‘‘The signs of the hypocrite are three: When he speaks he lies, when he makes a promise he breaks it and when he is entrusted he acts deceptively.’’ Sufyaan ath-Thawree (d.164H) – rahimahullaah – said, ‘‘Do not make a promise to your brother and then break it, so that love turns to hate.’

Allah make our marriages like this.. where husband and wife are the best of companions to each other.. giving each other the rights of other Muslims in their manners and behaviour with each other. ameen!